Email from a student

Hi Ms. (I go with Ms. because I honestly forget if it is Mrs. or Miss) Fiddle, its Sam, (as you know) and I just wanted to write you some things that I wanted to talk to you about. Be warned: This will probably be rather long because once I get started writing I don't stop. Nothing really major will be in here though, so you can read it later if you want to. I got your back brah

Anyway, I pretty much just stopped working in this quarter as you can see. Yes, there has been a lot going on in my family this year, but I have had enough time to do work, I just haven't. Truth is, I just checked out once I got my B last quarter. I can't motivate myself to work, instead I just play Minecraft and write. You, being such a great teacher, deserve a better student and a better effort from me, so I am sorry about my actions. At this point it is too late, might as well just take my lumps and move on, and frankly, I still don't have motivation.

I really am a smart kid, I am just lazy. I always have been in school, even if early grades didn't show it. I rarely turned in all my homework, and skated by purely on my brains using minimal effort. Looking back I do wish I had tried harder, but I turned out ok anyway, so I can't harp on it, and try as hard as I can not to. My point is that my effort this semester isn't a reflection on you, but it is all on me and how I have been for as long as I can remember. I know once I go to college I won't be able to do what I have done, but I am not overly worried about it, I'll cross that road when it comes. (I am taking a year or so off to get healthy. I still have the same issues I had when I took the OGT's almost worse)

That little parenthesses leads me into my next thing. Thank you so much for how amazing you were back then. I wouldn't be graduating if it hadn't been for you, and honestly, that week changed my life forever. You made me want to become a teacher so I could help kids as much as you helped me. I want to teach at ECOT where I could work from home, which is better for me, and then I can take care of whatever kids I may have, which I will love doing. (I kinda dig babies) So I wanted to ask you how long did it take you to get hired at ECOT? I read on the site that they prefer high-prestige teachers who have teached before, so I figure I won't come out of college and join ECOT. (I want to be in elementary education for the record) I am just curious what exactly I should expect if I continue on my current career path. Homeschooling made me the person I am today and if I can help one student half as much as I was helped, the low-salary and late nights grading papers will be more than worth it.

Again, you are truly an amazing teacher, I don't have to be in your class forever to see that. I read your messages, and how you interact with your students amazes me. That time you invited everyone to come see you perform at a play made a rather large impression on me, it showed you genuinely care about each and every student that walks into your "classroom." You doing what you did for me, I think 2 years ago, literally changed my life. Even if you didn't have to go out of your way to accomodate what I needed, or if you think you were just doing your job, it did so much for my psyche and at the time I needed it BADLY.

I think that's all I have to say. I'll probably hit send and kick myself for not adding in something specific, but I highly doubt this will be the last interaction we have. I know this was random and out of the blue, but I'm not just blowing smoke out of my backside, I mean every word I just wrote.

Thanks Ms. Fiddle
Sam

My heartstrings are plucked

Last night's student call was a bundle of emotions. Casey got started with me and then moved homes so fast that she missed the packet work I sent her. That had me a little cross, but then we talked a little more. She's supporting herself, her boyfriend and their daughter by working 12 hour shifts in a car parts factory. She's turning 22 in July, so if she doesn't pass everything by the end of the semester, we cannot place her in any more classes. Her mother has nothing to do with her. I promised to do everything in my power to help her through this class. It'll be a major challenge.

Saying it to your face

If you want to see me talk about my life as a teacher and amateur performer, check out this school webcast interview here.

Those tire marks on my back? I was thrown under the bus.

Problems continue to mount with Sharon, the DEC teacher who has been working with my team. She claims that she felt overwhelmed and a little on the outside of the group. Instead of saying something to any of us, she complained to our supervisors. This is why our observations have been lower than usual due to inability to co-teach. She even continued to complain after another new teacher was brought onto the team and made herself immediately invaluable, which is what Sharon should have done.

I had tried to give Sharon the benefit of the doubt, to the point of doing part of her job by creating a rewording and simplification of the Canterbury Tales unit I created two years ago. Big mistake. This week, I was accused of creating a faulty rewording for Beowulf, a unit I didn't touch. Sharon kept insisting that she didn't do the work on modifying the text for our Special Ed students, and since I had volunteered to do it before on another unit, I must have on this one. Wow, so not only did Sharon admit that she wasn't doing her job, she blamed me for stepping on her toes and doing so badly. Yeah, I'm a little annoyed. The sad thing is that I could easily fix that faulty modification and make a better one. I won't. I'm done creating items that are Sharon's responsibility while I get negative reviews for being mean to her.

The saddest part of this whole mess was that it came a day after I had spent a half hour on the phone with Sharon, checking in with her, making sure she was comfortable with the team, asking about her sick son, the whole thing. Linda had warned me that Sharon was two-faced, but I believed her almost too late. Thankfully, the rest of the team believes that I wasn't responsible for creating the faulty pages.

Another lesson delivered to the teacher

My writing club had an amazing, fulfilling meeting last week. I'm still pondering how much it affected me and the students involved. One student in particular, also named Cat, shared a personal memoir. The content was painful as she discussed being bullied and how she reacted by... I'll let Young Cat speak for herself:

"I never really thought that one day I would think that suicide was the only way out of all the pain. I had always been the four-eyed freak I got used to it. The when people found out that I was in foster care I became the for eyed foster freak. No one ever really noticed the scare on my face until like fifth or 6th grade when I became scare face. When I was in Middle School, I walked home every day from school and when this one bus would pass me, the one that came up with the name scare face, threw stuff out off the buss window at me. Then in high school, my first year I went to McKinley and things got a lot worse. Then October of 2010 I was hospitalized for the first time. The things were good after that. The when It was getting close to my birthday things got bad again. I over dosed and was sent to the hospital again. Now in 2011 I was hospitalized February, March, and April. Then October 2011 was my last hospitalization. I am proud to say that it had been three months since I cut last. I am so proud of myself. I almost cut in December when my grandma died but I stayed strong and did not cut. I have had a rough past and I am a stronger person and glade for all the people that I have met. It has been a long journey that was tough but now I keep myself sane by my writing. "

Co-teaching blues

I think I've given the same set of instructions three times to this one new student. I finally insisted that he take notes. This is nuts. I've told him several times that he should be attending the tutoring sessions with my Sharon (my DEC counterpart) if he isn't understanding me, but I don't think that has registered. Hopefully my telling him mother helped.

Sharon, unfortunately, had a death in the family. She's been emotionally out of play all week. Somehow, the majority of losses I've had like this have been during summers. However, Sharon's been out of play for much of the school year, and working with her has been rough. She claims to be intimidated by our knowledge and reluctant to throw in her opinions. She's been teaching three times longer than I have and used to teach the teachers how to modify any and all curriculum. This shouldn't be an issue.

Sorry, just banging my head into a wall right now.

Suddenly, I'm needed

I have a list of all my students in order of the last time I called them and I do my best to work through that list. I've slacked horribly in the last couple of weeks, but my timing was perfect when I called Kate today. She hasn't been working in my class for the last couple of weeks because she's been in pain, the kind of pain that only teenagers can claim to have. Maybe it was just the timing or maybe it was some open tone to my voice, but she shifted the weight of a bad breakup and a family split off her shoulders and into my lap. We talked for at least 20 minutes about her anger and grief. Her sister called her trash and cut all ties with her over, admittedly, a tasteless joke on Facebook. Her boyfriend told her he didn't love her anymore after two years together. She's been burning everything she can that reminds her of him. This last one worries me a little, so I will keep an eye on her and continue to suggest she channel her rage more into her writing than her pyrotechnics.

There have been so many other things in the past week, including a full day of Professional Developement, which signified nothing, but this conversation with one lonely, isolated student with a beautifully dark humor is what brought me back to my own journal.